I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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lmfao
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
just witnessed a drug deal
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Something Saturday.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!