gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex