Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
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Always a metermaid never a meter
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.