I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
What if all the cashiers are married?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.