Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
You Might Also Like
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like