Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?