When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.