There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
sir, my pâté if you please
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When you let grandma cat sit