I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
How is it still this week?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.