Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I like long walks away from everyone
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer