Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.