My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*puts my mental health in rice
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.