[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.