[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]