If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.