Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Finally! 😈
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT