*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
no
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse