In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
this is the news I live for
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Made something I’m not proud of
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.