Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now