I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My blood type is b hungry.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work