WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.