Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When your parents check you’re ok.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.