a wizard dating app called bumbledore
You Might Also Like
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I have obtained a hat
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Remember folks 😂
even bears disappoint their mothers
Proctology is located in A55
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.