This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
tourist season
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.