If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
New mindset, who dis?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good