*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park