Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
You Might Also Like
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.