How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup