Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
You Might Also Like
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.