HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You Might Also Like
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child