Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much