Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.