“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
do what now??
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The news
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.