Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”