The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
my favorite genre of twitter
That’s fair
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?