Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
How dude HOW?!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
A collection of me turning into random objects.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
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