just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You Might Also Like
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
the best thing i’ve ever made
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.