“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
You Might Also Like
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’m not wrong
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.