Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
You Might Also Like
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Don’t snitch tag.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I mean…but I did
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!