Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.