One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.