Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I’m dying louder than usual today.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok