[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.