Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once