Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.