Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
bears
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.