When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Go girl power!
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
#Caturday
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…