I’m giving up for Lent.
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.