A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
How to find Kentucky on a map
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.