[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Word!
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.